Very often, when I get excited about an idea I have, I take it to bed with me. I think it over and over again, classic pillow talk. I recently realized that my pillow can be like a fluffy version of Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, equally badass, only out of shape.
I recently had an idea, a very naive one for an advertising campaign promoting dairy products. The idea was to start calling all the products made with dairy 'Moolishius,' a playful word mixed between the 'moo' sound cows make and the word 'delicious.' Very simple and understandable for kids and adults. 'Moolisious pie' sounds a million times better than 'Pie made with dairy.' LAME! Sounds cool, right? But here comes the big 'but,' my pillow pulled me out of my sleep in a snap or whatever pillows do to wake you up, getting warm perhaps? Whatever.
'Moolisious' also rhymes with 'malicious.' How did you miss that? My pillow asked, all wrinkled and starting to get hotter and hotter by the second. - Is your brain blind? Are you a dummy, dummy? Were you dropped on your head when you were a kid?" - Actually yes, a bunch of times, but anyways... That's when I realized my pillow is the worst, even worse than the worst boss I had ever had – a very small Korean old lady who owned a sushi restaurant in North Carolina where I was a waiter for a summer break. What a badass lady she was, insulting people in Korean, throwing food at employees, cutting tips, and always smiling at customers with that classic villain's smile as they pet their cat…
When I realized what I was doing to myself, I threw it and put it under my feet. That's what you deserve, you white, fat, wrinkled, shapeless, rude piece of... So, I put it under my feet and grabbed 'Perro papa,' my daughter’s super-soft stuffed animal, and used it as a pillow. I'm so mad I don't think I can sleep now.
-Yeah, I know, that sucks, woof, woof.
-I have to wake up so early tomorrow, sucks.
-Yeah, definitely sucks. I think you should get out of bed, have a couple of beers, and smoke some weed. You're not sleeping anytime soon.
-Who are you, TED? What the heck… I think I need to hide you somewhere. I can't let you hang out with my daughter. I think you might be a very bad influence, although you might still be better than a pillow that allows you to talk trash about yourself. Okay, let’s go get a beer, don't be loud.
-Woof, woof.